Hello people who are lame enough to click on my blog. Here is a shot at my first post :^)
How did I end up here?
I can safely say this is not some attempt to relieve myself of some nagging depression or a need to use writing as a way to vent uncontrollable thoughts or emotions. Honestly, as of late, with enough introspection I have discovered I am actually quite content with the way I articulate the thoughts that pop up in my head these days. For the first time in my life, I am not causing myself stress. For the most part at least.
What’s the plan?
My plan with writing in a blog is undefined. The only thing I truly know is that I go to school and work every day and try to throw in some gaming hobbies every now and then. What I have come to realize is that I find I have more to talk about every day. I used to be very dismissive, not paying attention to details, constantly wanting to just “move on.” I never wanted to allow my mind to focus on one thing or one day. Every time I shut my eyes at night, the next morning when I opened them, everything that had happened longer than 12 hours ago was a distant memory. One to be forgotten if possible. Details were unimportant, just knowing the gist of events was all I needed to know at the bare minimum, that something did occur. Knowing how or why was nothing to waste time pondering over. Moving on, moving forward, was all that really mattered.
Yeah I guess that still did not explain a whole lot as to why I am attempting to write on here. I have made previous efforts to start documenting my life for the sake of curing my faulty memory, but to no avail. Inevitably I get distracted, or bored, or uninterested. Life is full of phases. This could be another attempt at something that could result in being short lived. Who knows, who cares.
Anyway, moving on.
One thing I would like to address in this post is the title of my blog, “Learning Curve.” Admittedly, I used the simple Google definition of a learning curve for the tagline (no shame). The concept of a learning curve surfaced frequently in my studies of psychology. For the most part, it is a graphical representation of the increase of learning with experience. Basically the more you practice or repeat a task, the faster you learn how to accomplish said task. You become more efficient and effective at overcoming a challenge. The curve demonstrates a slow beginning, steep progress, and then a plateau.
Ah, beautiful. It seems you got baited into looking at a page from a textbook haHAA. Nonetheless, I figured a visual representation couldn’t hurt for the sake of explanation. You know how life is often described as a roller coaster? That roller coaster must be made up of a bunch of learning curves. We learn from every experience in our lives. When it is a completely new experience, you are starting from the bottom of this curve, working your way up. It may all be hard to understand at first. With any new experience, there is a lot of information that has to be taken in, processed, and defined. Depending on the degree of the situation, trying to make sense of it all could be extremely overwhelming, and you may feel as though you stagnate in that slow beginning part of the curve for a long time. Once you have a general idea on how to define the situation, and with enough trial and error, you then can figure out a method of operation best suited for overcoming this challenge. Reaching the top of this curve is where you can begin to attempt to understand how and why that particular situation came about in the first place, and also formulate a schema of defining factors held within that event. If a similar situation does occur in the future, your curve starts at a higher point in the graph. It will take less time for you to execute the method of operation you chose for the original incident.
I see this learning curve is most pertinent in my experiences with friendships. A few things I value very deeply within every friendship are loyalty and honesty. To feel that someone cares enough about you to do whatever it took to support you and display authenticity is unparalleled. It is also few and far between. The term “friend” has held a lot of weight to me for a very long time. Quite a few years were spent feeling a lack of true connection. To have the opportunity to dub an individual as a friend, and also have that reciprocated, meant the world to me. These are people that I truly care for, and would do my best to be there for them and help them as best as possible, even if it was borderline unreasonable for my own sake. My boundaries were not well defined, I was not attending to my own needs or wants very well. My self-sacrificing mentality was not healthy whatsoever. I had little to no value on my own life. Or at least, the quality of it. Moments in my life where, in hindsight, I appear to derive the most satisfaction out of were when I could get people to laugh. Didn’t really matter if it was with me or at me, just seeing others smile due to my presence was enough for me. Psychoanalyzing this physiological response is of course tied to the patterns found within my childhood. Self-awareness is key, and I am not afraid to admit that maybe I, myself, have a decent read on… myself. At least now I do to a better degree. I digress. I don’t really need to go into details of the conditioned response I have observed of myself. That is for you to reread a few times until you think you might understand.
Back to that stupid graph though. The last few months have taught me a lot in dealing with people I allow to get close to me. I know where my boundaries are now. I know what I can and will do for the people I care about. I no longer let my empathy blind me. I understand the whole, “put the face mask on yourself before the child as you plummet to your death airplane.jpeg.” Cliche but relevant I guess. As much as I believed I could be the hero everyone needed and carry all their burdens for them, I know that I can’t do that. Especially since I can barely do that for myself. I suppose the best I can do is try to lead by example. I have decided from enough learning curves, maybe that is the best method of operation, the best overall solution. This process involves improving myself as a person, and trying to be the best that I can be, so that others may also benefit from my presence. This does not mean that I completely remove myself from assisting others with their problems, it is simply a new and healthier approach. A line that caught my attention within one of my textbooks stated, “When we are able to stand alone and tap into our own strength, our relationships with others are based on our fulfillment, not our deprivation,” (Corey 2016). I have learned that I want to be strong, not so that I can carry others’ burdens, but to better carry my own.