Something Something Existential Crisis

Yo whaddup it’s been a minute hope you weren’t waiting on me.

Meh let’s get personal shall we?

One Big Year

Man, a lot has happened, and changed, in the last year. It’s weird to think back to last summer and the pit I was drowning in with life. Betrayed and left out to dry once again by someone I cherished. Choosing to believe in something called “love” that every human being seems to long for and spend their whole life working to secure. It is like a dogma set in stone, that we all must desire and strive for the same things in life. That relationship status can tip the scale on how successful one is in life regardless of everything else they may have accomplished. I suppose that relationships kind of gets thrown in with either failures or successes defined within life. Then again, what defines a failing relationship and a successful relationship? If you stay with someone just because you think they will carry through life, but they do not truly know you or accept you, then is that a fail or success? It is a success ‘cus, yea you got someone, but a fail at being happy right? So then, I guess it all just depends on what is really important to you as an individual. That is something I have had to really dig deep, discover, and digest in the last year. That maybe what is important to others and society, is not that important to me, and vice versa. Needless to say, I am sure that it shows to some degree on my social media :^) This new mentality has definitely helped me open my eyes and to be more understanding of the spectrum of different lives people live, and I really appreciate the variety. It is definitely more fun to run into different kinds of human specimen in this small area.

Words had become very questionable to me in the last year. Nothing made sense anymore. Titles, definitions, the meanings behind words and actions. Everything was a blurred line. All the concepts I grew up believing in faded into the blur and it felt like I did not believe in anything at all anymore. “Believe.” What a relevant word. This word has never disappeared or lost meaning in my life. In fact, it gained more meaning than it had before. It was the only word that did make sense. To me, everything you do, everything you live for, is all based on what you believe. You always have a choice. You have more control over the events in your life than you may have perceived all this time. Whether you realize the power of choice you have is entirely dependent on what you believe. You can accept the freedom and responsibility you have in your life, or you can give up and cower. The first time “believe” became relevant was due to a friend in high school battling cancer. Notice “battling,” not “dying.” The two words have entirely different connotations. One sounds heroic, strong, enduring, positive. The other sounds defeated, weakened, suffering, negative. I CHOOSE the word “battling” because that is exactly what he did. He CHOSE to not give up. He CHOSE to smile. He CHOSE to BELIEVE that he would heal and get better. And even in the end, cancer didn’t win, because he and his loved ones chose not to believe so. Even in the end, what he had believed defined his life. His beliefs made it more hopeful even in the face of something horrific. Like I said, you have more control over your life than you may perceive. You may not be able to control everything that happens that affects you, but you can control how you react to it. Cliché  I know…

Beliefs do have a lot of power though. Looking at religion is always an interesting topic. Why are there so many religions? Many accommodate beliefs that others do not hold. Is this a bad thing? “Bad thing.” Is this something that should concern us as a society that (I’m assuming) wants to harmonize and have differing humans exist together in peace? Nah not really. Whether one religion is more correct and accurate than the other does not really matter, does it? Religion brings meaning to lives that otherwise would feel purposeless. That our actions are defined by something more than we could ever begin to understand. That the good things we do in life if they are not rewarded now or even seem to be later, that there is a deeper value to everything we do in life and that our words do not fall on deaf ears. When a person has nothing left in life, they can have their god, and that their life has a purpose whether they understand it or not. To exist for no reason is the same as being dead.

Anyway… words. Oh yea, they didn’t make sense. What I mean by this is, people could tell me something, anything, and I simply just didn’t buy it. Compliments meant nothing to me. Hurtful words bounced off me like rubber. To some degree, I liked the feeling of immunity and even transcendence, as if I had surpassed something so important to humanity. That I was above all the “words” that gave so much meaning to other people, but then, what gave me meaning? Nothing for a long while. I simply floated along like a cloud going wherever the breeze took me. There really weren’t a whole lot of decisions I had to make either. The only real choice I was faced on a daily basis was whether or not I chose to be content with how things were or weren’t going or to be distraught about it. Life felt stagnant for the most part, but I didn’t let it bother me. I didn’t fear not knowing the direction my life was taking. What I did know is that I had a cute cat child that I believed could understand my human English and plenty of friends that kept me company and distracted me from the abyss in my head. And that has been good enough.

I suppose I’ll stop here for now. I’d like to talk a bit about my new job sometime, which is kinda what I intended coming back to this, but I just get carried away sometimes REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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